Peter, I read yours as well. Terrific! Thank you for the link.

Cassie, yes, I am also talking about “escape” simply as something different than the everyday. I’ve had problems in the past, but today an escape is more of a pleasant diversion. Or needed “quiet” time to actually write.

Reenie, you’re right, it is more of a wish on my part than a reality that I escape successfully. I also have a very busy mind, a common trait I think, among creatives. (I read somewhere that most insomniacs are creative people, and I’ve always had trouble sleeping.) A blessing and a curse at once.

My mind never stops whirring – it’s a benevolent curse that sometimes exhausts me. I don’t have the ‘retreat’ gift. I can’t simply look at a garden, or turn on some music, or scratch my dog’s chin and enjoy watching her pleasure until her tail nearly wags off. My mind is always dissecting and processing. My roses are more than flowers – they are miracles of perfection that can sometimes prick my heart with annoyance because they are so perfect. Yet, their scent can also take me on a happy, giggly journey. Nuances of music can torment me with gladness or sadness when my vault of memories engulfs me. And when I hold another’s baby, I ache for the scent of talc that once was mine. And reading? You’re a writer – you know what reading is like for me. I see words before I see a story. I’m rarely anchored to any one moment. My head is filled with moments that mesh or collide. Even a peaceful gaze out a window erupts into a collage of images.

And my tail wagging dog? She revs up her tail the moment she sees me…but it’s all so sad…or wondrous, because I’ve been told the only emotions she knows are love and anger. So black and white.

Though I may sound whiny, I’m not. I feel blessed with my inability to retreat. My constant restlessness is the source of my creativity. But I do covet your gift – or is it a yearning like mine? Ahhh, but maybe I do retreat and my thoughts are my harbor?

Your journaling reminded me of a poem by Carmen Bernos de Gasztold from her ‘Prayers from the Ark & The Creatures’ Choir.’

THE PRAYER OF THE BUTTERFLY
Lord!
Where was I?
Oh yes! This flower, this sun,
thank you! Your world is beautiful!
This scent of roses…
Where was I?
A drop of dew
rolls to sparkle in a lily’s heart.
I have to go…
Where? I do not know!
The wind has painted fancies
on my wings.
Fancies…
Where was I?
Oh yes! Lord,
I had something to tell you:

Amen

I must admit that my life is very nice (certainly hasn’t always been), but sometimes it’s nice to think about things that aren’t really part of the life you live. A mental vacation maybe?